Well, things have been moving kinda fast. Last Friday I started to finally miscarry the baby, so we ended up doing a D&C late Friday afternoon. It went OK. Not sure what really happened. Just know that I couldn't eat or drink after 11 am so that I could be in surgery by 7 pm. The nurses couldn't get a vein so they poked one me a lot. DR on duty finally had to come in and give me a numbing shot and then got a vein in the back of my hand. Felt kinda like a pin cushion. Hit both elbows both wrist and then got the back of one of my hands. The one on the left wrist still hurt like poop and is bruised on the inside of the wrist and the vein they were after was on the side. Anyways, other than that it was quick and easy. Came out of the surgery and woke up chatty. Nurses were laughing at me.

We came home took it easy and decided that Saturday night that we needed to just get away. Booked a room at the Sheraton on the Falls in Niagara Falls Canada for the next day. We got up early Sunday and headed out. I had to take things easy, I've been spotting and cramping a little, but we had an amazing time. We didn't really do a lot, but we had fun. The muppies got to go with us and that was an adventure within it's self :-D

We got home today and I went straight into a managers meeting at work. Well almost. Before the meeting I went to Things Remembered, and made a purchase :-) I bought a pretty bracelet that is silver and has a heart bangle on it with a "sapphire" stone. I choose the Sapphire in memory of the month in which we lost our beloved baby. It is engraved on the back "Our baby Bump" with a little scroll work. After the meeting I picked up the bracelet and showed it to Hubby. He seemed to like it. Went home and put it on a stuffed monkey that we purchased last week the day before the D&C.

This is just our way of remembering Bump... I had seen things online that you wear and decided that I liked the idea, but that although I love Bump very much this needed to be something that helps us move on, not keep us in constant mourning. So the little monkey now wears the bracelet and is placed with much love and honor in a box shelve with a couple other special items above our bed.

And now I'm up once again very late... but this time I couldn't sleep because I'm cramping. Ugh, I hope this doesn't last much longer... I was dreaming about loosing Bump all over again. I was hurting pretty badly to be dreaming and holding my tummy at the same time. Figured I needed to get up and eat something so I could take some meds. Hopefully I can get some sleep soon...

So, I have a lot of catching up to do. It's been a rough week.

This is Bump at 5 weeks! Baby is growing well. But we didn't see a heart beat :-( They said maybe next week. But, at this point things are looking up and they are happy with the progress that we are making. The baby is measuring about 5 weeks 3 days give or take a day or two (we may not be as far along as we thought, buy who knows?) Tomorrow Wend. we go back in for more blood work.

Wend. Chris had to work this morning so it was the first time that I've gone into the Dr's office by myself. Blood work came back great! Levels are up to about 6300. Everything seems to be going well level look good and they tell me I don't have to do any more blood tests. :-) We are so very excited and after we see the heart beat next Tuesday... we should be all clear.

Tuesday September 22, 2009

And then the bad news comes. On the sonogram... we still don't see a heart beat, and they won't tell us much. The shape has changed completely and the way the tech sounds not so good. Nurse comes in and says that she is sorry... the baby has stopped growing and the yolk sack is collapsing. Bump didn't make it. The Dr went ahead and did another blood test to see what is happening with the hormone levels. But, What can we say? Our hearts is breaking. We both wanted Bump very much. We weren't expecting this kind of news. I'm still having signs of being pregnant. I get nauseous when I'm hungry or any time after I eat. My breast aren't hurting as much, but still a pain in the bum :-). We are doing as well as can be expected, telling everyone is the hard part. There isn't really anything anyone can say to make things better. Everyone says everything happens for a reason. I believe that, but I don't know that it made me feel any better. At this point I/we just need time...

Thursday, Well yesterday I completely forgot to call in for the results... I'm a goober, that or I just didn't want to deal with reality. So, I called today. Dr called back and said we needed to talk. The levels came back and they are still going up, but they are NOT where they are supposed to be by any means. The blood test show the levels that should have been 3 days from the last blood test not a week later. I asked if it was possible to go out of town for the weekend to Niagara Falls, she says we can but to be extra careful and map out the hospitals along the way. ( Not going to happen now :-( ) So, then we get down to business. She tells us that I will more than likely not go through with the miscarriage because it looks like I've had a chemical pregnancy...

this is a part of an explanation from

http://miscarriage.about.com/od/onetimemiscarriages/p/chemicalpreg.htm

A chemical pregnancy is like a cruel joke. You take an early pregnancy test around the time your period is due that shows a faint positive. Naturally, you get excited and start spreading the joyful news that you're expecting. Then, a few days later you get your period and the doctor says, "It was just a chemical pregnancy."

Meanwhile, you're left confused and possibly devastated. The term chemical pregnancy sounds like a false positive pregnancy test, as if you were not really pregnant at all. But the truth is that a chemical pregnancy was indeed a conception and is actually a very early miscarriage.

What Chemical Pregnancy Means:

The term chemical pregnancy means that the miscarriage happened at a point that a missed period and biochemical tests, such as an hCG blood test or a home pregnancy test (checking hCG in urine), were the only evidence that you were pregnant. The miscarriage happened before an ultrasound could have shown a gestational sac.

When the pregnancy develops to the point that ultrasound could confirm the existence of the pregnancy, the term becomes clinical pregnancy. Thus, a chemical pregnancy would be a miscarriage before the fifth week of gestation -- or within about week after your missed menstrual period

This is just about what happened to us, but we just found out we were pregnant when we were about 3 weeks along, earlier than most...

So, we are taking the Dr's advice and going ahead and scheduling the D&C. It is a very hard decision for us/me to make. Both, Hubby and I are very pro life. Coming to terms that Bump isn't alive at this point isn't easy. I think that anyone in my position would always have the faint thought/hope in the back of their head that maybe it was a mistake and the baby is just slow growing, or not as for along as we originally thought. The hope that this isn't happening.

Anyways, we are going thru with the procedure. As hard as this is, we understand that this is what the Dr thinks is best for my health, and even the health of future children what we will have. The D&C is a way to make sure that I'm clean, healthy, and in the best position to continue our journey to becoming parents.

We will forever hold Bump in our hearts. And one day we will get to hold our tiny Bump. God gave us Bump for 5 weeks and a few extra days.

As my Mom said, "6 weeks isn't long, unless it's yours.... and then it's a lifetime."

So, for now it helps my heart knowing that it is in God's loving arms and that God is watching over our family.

My Angel Baby

To the baby that I carried
But never seen your eyes
Or tell you how much I loved you
Or ever to hear your cries.

You will never be forgotten
The excitement we had for your coming.
When I realized I'd never hold you,
The feeling I had was numbing.
My angel baby is who you are.
My angel baby you'll always be.
Your loving memory will live in my heart
So you will always be right here with me.

(c) Lori Jager All Rights Reserved

Last Tuesday we had another ultra sound done!

And we have a baby! The pic is basically of the yoke sack... but a baby in the making for sure! We are so excited!!!!! My Mom even posted on Facebook before I did :-) I guess after waiting so long to get her first grandchild.

Wednesday we had more blood work done and the hormone levels came back at around 6300. And Doc says no more blood test they are happy with the way the levels are going up. The test for the progesterone levels aren't as high as they would like them to be so the have me taking Progesterone supplement for the next 13 weeks. But, at this point we will do whatever it takes to keep Bump healthy. Oh, and I'm able to go back to work on light duty.

We, go back in for another ultra sound next Tuesday. Doc said that we would be able to hopefully see Bumps heart beat! Can't wait!

Hubby and I are doing well. He is taking amazing care of me. Cooking stakes for us at the moment :-) yummy! I've been really tired. Every time I go to work I end up coming home and taking a couple hour nap. Seems like that's just the way I am. We went to church this morning and then to a dinner for lunch and what do you know I crashed as soon as we got home, lol.

No real cravings yet, but my favorites at the moment are stakes and potatoes and eggs... and stakes are not a favorite of mine usually. Oh, and D has decided that since he can't be here to see my growing belly, he wants me to take pictures ... lol we shall see how that goes...

Well Hubby is serving dinner, so I'll post more when we have new pics! Please to continue to pray that Bump is healthy and growing!

Well... the waiting game is still on. Wed things went well. The blood test came back and the hormone level was still going up. We've gone from 450 to around 1200. A lot more than they expected :-) So we are still pregnant. But, they are still undecided about what our situation is, because my cervix is now open and I'm still bleeding. So, back again on Friday for more blood work. The Dr also has to verify my blood type so giving more blood again.

And now that Hubby and I have decided that it is best for me to stay at home and in bed. K's wedding is important, but our baby bump is so much more important. K took the news well and was very understanding, a big relief. Had to work somethings out but I still managed to have someone photograph the wedding in my place. I so love my family, cause T very much saved the day for me.

Friday, came and more blood test were done and once again the hormone levels have gone up again and this time to just under 2000 which isn't as much as they were hoping for, but still up. This time they want to do more test. They now want to test the progesterone levels or something like that. We are still pregnant. Everyone in our family has their churches praying for us and Baby Bump. And Bump is still holding on :-) I'm still on bed rest and holding up ok ... can't say that I love it and I have my good days and my bad, but we are holding on. The Dr's office is closed on Monday because of Labor Day, so we know have to go to the hospital for more blood work.

Monday, we've made it through the weekend and I swear that I have the best Hubby in the world! He has been absolutely amazing. He cleaned the house this weekend so that I could have company over. He's done the dishes, the laundry and even made spaghetti from scratch. Well, the nurse at the Hospital was very nice, but I'm starting to look like a drug addict my arms are awful. The nurse said that we could possibly have the results back today! So, we were bad and called the Dr on her day off. After all of this is said and done she may not want us to stay on her patient list. But, hopefully she understands. And the test came back ... the hormone levels have gone up again! And more than last time! So we are now somewhere around 4000. That and the bleeding has come down to just a little trickle here and there and is no longer red but brown. We are hoping that this is a good sign. We have to get back up early tomorrow morning and call to make an appointment to have another ultrasound done. I'm really debating the internal ultrasound cause it seems to make me bleed more. Yuck! Dr says that she thinks that we are about 6 weeks along. We are still unsure about my blood type and the other hormone levels that they were supposed to test on Friday because of the holiday weekend. Hopefully we will know more tomorrow. Doc has made a couple of references to the fact that the pregnancy might still not be viable, but we are still hoping and praying that our Bump is here to stay. We've only known about Bump for a week, but I love Bump and can't wait to met him/her very very much!